Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is watching porn...on his 72 flat screen..I can see it from 300 yards away!

   If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

   gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

   In life, people who deserve nothing usually end up getting everything.

   Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.

   I will only believe that YouTube truly has everything once I can see Burl Ives song Ham and Eggs on there. You have failed, internet.

   I could never go to a hip hop concert. I never feel like saying either Hey or Ho when told to.

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.

   Just realized.. I called one of my customers from work 48 times.. While trying to vote for someone on a reality tv show... Whoopsies

   Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand

   Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.

   all I want for christmas is you... just kidding, get me diamonds.

   it okay to fake my own death just so I don't have to spend Christmas with my family?

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   Stop lookin at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got

   Did you know if you say "beer can" with a British accent, you have also just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?

   I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.