Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand

   Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.

   all I want for christmas is you... just kidding, get me diamonds.

   it okay to fake my own death just so I don't have to spend Christmas with my family?

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   Stop lookin at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got

   Did you know if you say "beer can" with a British accent, you have also just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?

   I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.

   I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ``Thing" with someone

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up

   about to go eat me some vegetables ... which according to Congress is now a pizza

   A wise person knows when to play the fool. Like when women flirt or cry to get out of speeding tickets.

   why do some parents send the kid to their room when their bad?..."you did something wrong so go where you keep your toys & think about it"

   Holding grudges gets you no where in life but it does prove how stuck in the past you are.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   I didn't know call girls charge by the hour......still have 57 minutes left, I hope she knows how to cook!

   ◔◡◔ stalk mode; on.