Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I time travel every day, from yesterday to today. . .

   It is only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person.

   Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

   So the Miami Heat lose LeBron James to the Cleveland Cavs... so what!?! Let me know when they lose Justin Bieber to steam roller.

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.

   Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?

   Rickie Fowler has had USA shaved into his head in preparation for The Ryder Cup. Rory MciLroy has won 2 majors as part of his preparations

   There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them. 👌🏻

   How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!

   The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

   Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".

   It's not you. It's me. I don't like you.

   It's funny, these guys make a status complaining about someone re-posting, then their next status is a re-post!

   I met a girl in a nightclub last night when she whispered in my ear, "I want you to make me feel dirty and degraded." So I took her shopping in my local Wal-Mart Supercenter.

   I like a bit of badassness in a girl

   Favorite alcoholic beverage??? ...the one that has the alcohol in it...

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   Everyone without a tattoo should receive a prize for being unique.

   That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.