Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician

   If you love your farts you have to let them go.

   16 yr old daughter: "Leave me alone dad"... Me: You don't want me hugging you?"... 16 year old daughter: (crying) "Hug Me, but leave me alone"..... *Woman training complete.

   Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

   Running is my second favorite activity that leaves me sweaty and out of breat and disapointed I couldn't last longer.

   So how in heavens name with all the available utinsels out there to eat rice with did two round sticks win?

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.

   Chance of being the correct response when she asks "Notice anything different?" Hair 30% New shoes 25% Lost weight 20% Transitioning 3%..

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids

   If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..

   *discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*

   Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really

   I would throw all Dallas Cowboys fans a complement but Luke Kuechly would intercept that too.

   I've never seen grown men more upset over a Disney Movie in my life.

   I time travel every day, from yesterday to today. . .

   It is only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person.

   Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

   So the Miami Heat lose LeBron James to the Cleveland Cavs... so what!?! Let me know when they lose Justin Bieber to steam roller.

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.