Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP is born when the KING of mixed signals hooks up with the QUEEN of second thoughts.

   If I have to explain one more time why I'm wearing a cast, I'm writing "Attacked by Ninjas" on it!

   Why was that Rorschach guy so obsessed with drawing pictures of my mom naked?

   i see dead people...but only when squinting

   I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub. Now I have a swimming pool.

   My 4th of July plans are all set as I'll be celebrating my independence from the Coronavirus by staying home!

   If you take a family photo on Thanksgiving, make sure you position your girlfriend on the end. That way it's easy to Photoshop her out of the picture if you need to later. - Follow me for more holiday tips.

   Amy Schneider looks like the love child of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.

   Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

   Harvey Weinstein has invited all the disappointed teenage Dodger fans to his home for jello shots and back rubs.....

   Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.

   Protests to stop police from killing their race but then you kill each other for a pair of Jordans....smh

   thinks running around a field whilst waving a metal pole in the air is way more exciting when lightning is involved

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   enjoyed how Ben Roethlisberger decided he needed to look like Jesse James at his press conference!

   Would you like to go down for a midnight snack?

   ...and thats when George Washington shot Hitler in the head.

   Liquor and Poker... Oh, Wait.. you wanted to drink and play cards... well now. Everybody knows where my mind was at."

   i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.