Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That Awkward Moment When You Look Outside Your Window And Someones' Looking At You...

   When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.

   If you go flying back in time and see someone flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact

   One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

   Watching football shows me just how enthusiastic and pretty beer drinkers are. According to beer ads.

   I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't run marathons

   Hey Europe just because you call your bathing suit a racing brief doesn't mean you don't look like a man wearing panties!

   have you ever drank a milkshake so fast that your brain tells you to kill Ed Asner?... uh yeah, me neither

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   To the man who said money can't buy real happiness..... you just didn't know where to shop dude....!

   anyone's Facebook acting strange today? Mine just tried to fondle me....

   Wondering if Nancy Grace's hair will actually move when she starts dancing on "dancing with the stars" or if it really is just a blonde helmet

   A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP is born when the KING of mixed signals hooks up with the QUEEN of second thoughts.

   If I have to explain one more time why I'm wearing a cast, I'm writing "Attacked by Ninjas" on it!

   Why was that Rorschach guy so obsessed with drawing pictures of my mom naked?

   i see dead people...but only when squinting

   I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub. Now I have a swimming pool.

   My 4th of July plans are all set as I'll be celebrating my independence from the Coronavirus by staying home!

   If you take a family photo on Thanksgiving, make sure you position your girlfriend on the end. That way it's easy to Photoshop her out of the picture if you need to later. - Follow me for more holiday tips.