Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young ones

   I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."

   thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest...

   Best bumper sticker ever. Get off your phone and concentrate on being a sh@tty driver.

   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints

   attracting success like a magnet!

   A reporter asked Philadelphia Eagles QB Micheal Vick what the biggest difference is between prison and the NFL. He replied, "In the NFL, I only have 11 guys I have to run away from that's trying to get my ass."

   gonna write something funny but I cracked under pressure

   was considering an all-vegetarian diet but it turns out you are not allowed to hunt vegetarians

   Any negative people today will be greeted with a high five and a swift ball kick.

   Well, I guess the good news is that it's going to be a helluva lot easier to stop watching Duck Dynasty than it was to stop eating at Chick-Fil-A

   Dear teachers, we appreciate all you do but for 12 years of public schooling, all I heard was about how low teacher pay was. Maybe you weren't paying attention...

   So Eli Manning and Peyton Manning walk into a bar...........To watch Tom Brady in the playoffs.

   Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   So, is Charles still in charge or what?

   Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.

   I'd last 34 seconds also with Ronda rousey

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   It's conceivable that a gynecologist could triple his client base just by developing Parkinson's