Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear teachers, we appreciate all you do but for 12 years of public schooling, all I heard was about how low teacher pay was. Maybe you weren't paying attention...

   So Eli Manning and Peyton Manning walk into a bar...........To watch Tom Brady in the playoffs.

   Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   So, is Charles still in charge or what?

   Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.

   I'd last 34 seconds also with Ronda rousey

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   It's conceivable that a gynecologist could triple his client base just by developing Parkinson's

   Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.

   I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.

   Trumps first hour in the whitehouse - Clean up all the crack baggies

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   There's a difference between being tan, and looking like you've just been beaten with a bag of Cheetos.

   What would we do if the T-rex came back? Sadly, scientists believe weapons would be useless. However, we could humiliate them by forcing them to wear tiaras which their tiny arms could never remove.

   If you think 7 yrs is bad luck for breaking a mirror, try a broken condom!

   QUESTIONS-I-HATE - Can I see your phone? No its called an iPhone not an usPhone!

   Won't get the test results til next week, but the giant shoes & makeup suggest I may have Clown Syndrome

   Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my d@mn cur$e words. You m0ther forklift.

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   I don't respect a woman if they have sex on the first date, unless it's with me.