Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eight hundred pairs of underwear were stolen from a clothing store today. The police are making a brief inquiry

   Its very ironic how Toyota's slogan is "Moving Forward!"

   I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better

   Where were all the Kwanzaa ads for Black Friday?

   Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit por

   I think it was Confucius who said "I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning. I have an appetite for sex 'cause me so horny."

   ‎1) Go to Google 2) Type : mov0001.swf 3) Click on the first link

   It'd be really weird if animals were like pokemon in that they said their names instead of making sounds. So instead of going "Meow" a cat would walk around going "CAAAAAAT CAAAAAT! CATCATCATCAT!"

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   At my funeral when they're lowering me into the ground I demand they play "Drop it like its hot"!!!

   I'm Canadian and bacon is called bacon .

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

   If anyone sees my TV remote control can you tell it I simply want to know if it's safe and happy.

   I just saw a caveman today. Okay fine, I saw a guy who was sitting on a bench reading a book. Same thing to me.

   We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate.

   I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   "No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.

   "As his plane was about to crash, the golfers on the course were heard yelling "FORD !!!!!!! "