Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I forgot my "smart" phone at home today, and I must say...it's kinda nice!

   why can't the WNBA have a lockout?

   The werewolf in twilight was so deep in the friend zone he was protecting another guy's baby while not gettin pu$$y

   Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.

   Dudes with your Chihuahua on a leash HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT BEAST AT BAY???

   Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs....

   Find a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross

   iPhone covers are like condoms. You don't want to, but you kind of have to...

   Almost went outside without my phone so now I know what it feels like to lose your kids at the mall.

   I am gonna get death threats for this: I really hate peeps, they taste gross.

   It's been a while since anybody has posted they're having a bagel, sorry no pictures. . .

   When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean.

   Who else remembers having cases of CDs?? With labels like "party mix", "rap" and "Slow jams"

   I'm a male, so I guess my job is to tell you're wrong. By the way, where is my sandwich?

   The "mayday" button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the "let me show you my weiner" button,,, 'cause that's all it's gonna be used for.

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   It's so cld we had to chop up the piano for firewood. And the sad thing is, we only got two chords.

   "Once in a while I like to pretend I hear something they dont. It drives them crazy....." -Every stupid household dog

   They should send "Get well soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.