Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Love doesn't cost a thing; except tears, a broken heart, wasted years and half your stuff. 
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "did she really just say that?"
Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.
Dear Lord, Just once I would like to walk up to a RedBox and not have to wait for one of your special idiots to finish licking the screen. Amen.
Not that we're getting a lot of rain...but the fish are even complaining now.
a 1984 Buick Skylark with a 2.5 liter 4 cylinder that can go zero to sixty in 37.2 seconds. Top that.
When will men ever learn. Dont piss off your woman and expect her to fix you a delicious sandwich. Believe me you don't wanna know some of the ingredients she will use.
I can't believe the plural of moose isn't meese
Entertainment reporters around the world are telling us that Justin Bieber is a cult. Makes you wonder if they had spellcheck turned off when they wrote that.
Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I've run out of vodka. One of the two
Facebook makes me nosey =)
I forgot my "smart" phone at home today, and I must say...it's kinda nice!
why can't the WNBA have a lockout?
The werewolf in twilight was so deep in the friend zone he was protecting another guy's baby while not gettin pu$$y
Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.
Dudes with your Chihuahua on a leash HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT BEAST AT BAY???
Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs....
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross
iPhone covers are like condoms. You don't want to, but you kind of have to...
Almost went outside without my phone so now I know what it feels like to lose your kids at the mall. 