Funny Status Messages

   Gonna strap a snowblower on my car roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

   If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons and banner on your mailbox.

   What starts with P & ends with orn? Popcorn What starts with F & ends with uck? Firetruck. What starts with G & ends with ay? Justin Bieber

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   The movie demolition man, is coming true.

   Why Does My Feed Have To Be Clogged With Everything You Liked???

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   Jared fogle got 15 1/2 years in prison. Ironically, that's the same age he likes his woman.

   I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.

   Everyone picks their nose. It is what you do with it that defines you as a person.

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   I'm tired of doing math. I guess I'll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today

   never kill hope in your beloved ones; sometimes it's the only treasure they have.