Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want some of that "fairy tail" everyone's talking about!!

   , you know something is wrong when THIS GUY has better credit then the US government!

   May all your beans be jelly and may no bunny poop in your basket.

   There are some days just aren't worth living... Wait, that sounds morbid... What I mean is Mondays suck!!!

   I accomplished NOTHING today! And yes, I'm proud of that AND I still have my jammies on :)

   They say "Osama Bin Laden is dead" ... I say "Fraps it or it never happened"

   Ok, I am still holding onto five jars of mayonnaise. What the heck do I do with them??

   Someone questioned: "Y do we need a lover when there are so many around to love us?" A wise man answered: "As air is everywhere but we still need a fan to feel it!" :)

   Im good at peeling potatoes and my cooking is terrible. I have always dreamed of working in a prison kitchen.

   The well known phrase, 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' usually applies, except in"Their" and "Alzheimer's"...What happened, did they forget?

   So Mr. Sandman...since you've abandoned me for the sake of other's slumber, I've decided to move on. Advil PM, start digesting and work your magic.

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life..

   Time is your most precious gift, you only have a set amount of it. Time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

   That awkward feeling you get when you sit down to take a dump and look to your right at the toilet paper dispenser only to see just the cardboard roll.

   "Why does someone expect to receive respect when that someone doesn't give respect? "

   Where do I sign up for the Space Force? I've heard "not if you were the last guy on Earth" so space is still hopeful

   "If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

   My sex tape is called “Here I Go Again On My Own”.

   Michigan is now 5th in the nation for Corona virus cases, but I wouldn't worry too much. They'll lose to Iowa and Wisconsin and eventually fall out of the top 20 altogether.

   My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb