Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Sorry... my powers can only be used for good. 
I noticed my wife slip a box of headache tablets into her handbag before she left the house this morning. At least I know she's not cheating on me.
I just want a woman who is swooned by me spelling "hippopotamus" correctly.
If you're a Russian guy, I'm just going to refer to you as Ivan. Or Victor. Don't bother telling me what your name really is, I don't care.
"Balloon boy" and his Dad are watching this launch, envious on an incalculable level!
She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."
In 2013 I'm going to sit back, watch the movie 2012 and laugh..
Have you ever gone skiing ? On weed man ???
Marriage: Women giving up the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Don't you ever forget who paved that lane you're in.
In memory of Mr. Food's passing, I will eat a lot of food tomorrow, and I will inappropriately be saying, "Ooh! It's so good!" after every bite throughout the day....
In the day and age of debit/credit cards, it sure makes it tough for panhandlers to acquire spare change while standing outside of convenience stores.
Stop looking for things and people who you think will make your life perfect, and start looking for the things and people that make your life WORTH IT!
Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”
I never drink coffee at work mainly because it keeps me awake and alert.
having Deja vu. I think I've read these on twitter before.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember where I should of stopped drinking.
Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.
If I didn't ask for your opinion, don't think i'm going to care what you have to say.
The only thing worse than having a mouthful of chili when you sneeze is to have a nose full of chili AFTER you sneeze! F*ck ME!!!! 