Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This chick got mad at me one time because that's what they do.

   BREAKING NEWS: Governor Orders Statewide Car Wash To Induce Rain.

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Wish the Milk in my refrigerator had that on it

   If only they had and Olympic event for Facebook, my FB friend would win Gold everytime in the Drama event..

   the economy is so bad, that hookers are now giving away toasters.

   Nobody has enough cargo to need those pants.

   Kristen Stewart has the same face expression I have everytime I check in a hotel with no wifi

   I blame poor bus stop signage for at least half of my solicitation arrests.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   Sorry... my powers can only be used for good.

   I noticed my wife slip a box of headache tablets into her handbag before she left the house this morning. At least I know she's not cheating on me.

   I just want a woman who is swooned by me spelling "hippopotamus" correctly.

   If you're a Russian guy, I'm just going to refer to you as Ivan. Or Victor. Don't bother telling me what your name really is, I don't care.

   "Balloon boy" and his Dad are watching this launch, envious on an incalculable level!

   She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."

   In 2013 I'm going to sit back, watch the movie 2012 and laugh..

   Have you ever gone skiing ? On weed man ???

   Marriage: Women giving up the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

   Don't you ever forget who paved that lane you're in.

   In memory of Mr. Food's passing, I will eat a lot of food tomorrow, and I will inappropriately be saying, "Ooh! It's so good!" after every bite throughout the day....