Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   man falls out of a deer stand and dies...and people say...he died doing what he loved to do....which was falling out of trees?

   Do not be afraid to cry it does relieve the pain, remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain

   there any way we can blame gas prices on Charlie Sheen?

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   Just saying I love Google. It gives me everything I need, except head.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   if you think that an onion is the only veg to make you cry,try gettin wacked in the face with a POTATO!

   Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an sms to his Mother in law. Your product is not matching my requirements. Smart Mother in law replys - Warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken.

   Thanks to "2 girls, 1 cup" I can never eat chocolate soft serve ice cream again.

   The News said its going to be 99 Degrees today but its going to feel like 110.... B!c$h, say its gone be 110 Degrees then!

   ‎"Umm...isn't it on the back of the car?"-another thing NOT to say when a cop asks to see your license.

   A new study shows colon cleansing may have adverse side effects, but I have a feeling they pulled that finding out of their ass.

   Cant wait to see CBS new show this fall :: Celebrity maids:: women compete to be Arnold's new maid..

   I say let the liberals have all the abortions, free birth control, and gay marriages they want. If they don't repoduce they will soon cease to exist.

   Why don't the rename Chicago Obama too since it went so well during his tenure?

   Trump just backed down from a big trade fight with China #MAGA

   You take the L out of Lover and its over

   Saying, "Comment and like the pic please!" on Facebook is no different than saying, "Please make my self- esteem go up"

   Shot some fish in a barrel today. More difficult than you'd think.