Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Umm...isn't it on the back of the car?"-another thing NOT to say when a cop asks to see your license.

   A new study shows colon cleansing may have adverse side effects, but I have a feeling they pulled that finding out of their ass.

   Cant wait to see CBS new show this fall :: Celebrity maids:: women compete to be Arnold's new maid..

   I say let the liberals have all the abortions, free birth control, and gay marriages they want. If they don't repoduce they will soon cease to exist.

   Why don't the rename Chicago Obama too since it went so well during his tenure?

   Trump just backed down from a big trade fight with China #MAGA

   You take the L out of Lover and its over

   Saying, "Comment and like the pic please!" on Facebook is no different than saying, "Please make my self- esteem go up"

   Shot some fish in a barrel today. More difficult than you'd think.

   Not being able to pay my bills left me feeling suicidal, so I put my head in the oven and switched the gas on, but nothing happened

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   Got some Flip Flops at the dollar store, actually they're Flop Flips and they only make the slappie sound if you're backing up...but hey...$1. Yay!!!

   Got bit by a spider.......Now I got to go find a skyscraper to climb.

   "wat r you dewin 2morrow wen you git out uf wurk" people who write like that are stupid and lazy

   Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you weirdo.

   Dont make the scars of your past hurt the people in your present

   Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom Menace is now in 3D. Really? The only thing worse than watching crap is having it flung towards your face.

   My girlfriend is rated "E" for Everyone:

   Never judge a girls body from a picture of her face.

   I'll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted