Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   wondering which foreign countries are currently helping US during this Hurricane Irene clean up effort... (including shelter and food for the families whose lifestyles were turned upside down)

   I've had such a fantastic day, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

   I called in sick for work today. It was a sunday, my boss says "you dont work today" I paused and said "oh..ill call you tomorrow than"

   hears that Charlie Sheen is giving Lynsay Lohan advice....Hey Charlie...People who live is glass houses usually have pretty cool stuff to snort Coke on!

   do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"

   tuned in to watch the Grammys but didn't see hardly any grandmothers at all.

   man falls out of a deer stand and dies...and people say...he died doing what he loved to do....which was falling out of trees?

   Do not be afraid to cry it does relieve the pain, remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain

   there any way we can blame gas prices on Charlie Sheen?

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   Just saying I love Google. It gives me everything I need, except head.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   if you think that an onion is the only veg to make you cry,try gettin wacked in the face with a POTATO!

   Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an sms to his Mother in law. Your product is not matching my requirements. Smart Mother in law replys - Warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken.

   Thanks to "2 girls, 1 cup" I can never eat chocolate soft serve ice cream again.

   The News said its going to be 99 Degrees today but its going to feel like 110.... B!c$h, say its gone be 110 Degrees then!