Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants a hippopotamus for Christmas.

   i mean cmon.... what girl doesnt grab their friends boobs when they are drunk?

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

   I'm still looking for a girl that can get aroused by the sound of a hard drive spinning down

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

   Many people don't know this, but you can quietly be a Christian, Muslim or Athiest.

   After relationships with Russell Brand and John Mayer, Katy Perry should just ask Magic Johnson to spit in her mouth.

   Kids today will never understand the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. All they can do is just poke at a screen.

   I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   wondering which foreign countries are currently helping US during this Hurricane Irene clean up effort... (including shelter and food for the families whose lifestyles were turned upside down)

   I've had such a fantastic day, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

   I called in sick for work today. It was a sunday, my boss says "you dont work today" I paused and said "oh..ill call you tomorrow than"

   hears that Charlie Sheen is giving Lynsay Lohan advice....Hey Charlie...People who live is glass houses usually have pretty cool stuff to snort Coke on!

   do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"

   tuned in to watch the Grammys but didn't see hardly any grandmothers at all.