Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NYC terror attack comes to you courtesy of the Democratic Party, Barry Obama and the judges he appointed, who've halted Pres. Trump from fulfilling his promise to secure our borders from Islamic terror.

   i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!

   says two fools make a moron, two morons make an imbecile, two imbeciles make an idiot and two idiots make a marriage.

   If Hillary is elected President, at least we only have to pay her 300K...

   so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back to your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Does anyone know the name of that one song that doesn't have Pitbull in it?

   hoping that she remebers last nite cause I dont.

   W.T.F. - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday...the weekend's almost here!!

   The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty ****ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

   wants a hippopotamus for Christmas.

   i mean cmon.... what girl doesnt grab their friends boobs when they are drunk?

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

   I'm still looking for a girl that can get aroused by the sound of a hard drive spinning down

   Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

   Many people don't know this, but you can quietly be a Christian, Muslim or Athiest.

   After relationships with Russell Brand and John Mayer, Katy Perry should just ask Magic Johnson to spit in her mouth.

   Kids today will never understand the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. All they can do is just poke at a screen.