Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   during a moment of silence at services last night...my ex girlfriend Stephanie asked what was happening...I said "this is the part of the service where we blow the Shofar"... she said "I'll take care of it...you paid for dinner".

   Ladies dont go after ugly rich men, Make your own money so you can hook-up with Hot poor guys like me.

   X says We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even fewer to give the finger to whoever made you frown.

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.

   don't have an affair with a puppeteer. There are strings attached...

   Never judge a girl by her makeup!

   After being bored to death with the Royal Wedding and the Beatification of the Pope, finally something worth watching on TV. Come on CNN I want all the gory details and footage on the death of Osama Bin Laden. This I can watch for days.

   if you post that you are sleeping, you are clearly a liar.

   thinking about handcuffing himself to Billy Graham for Saturday's rapture...

   God... I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect

   Dear disgusting neighbor, having sex w/guys while your husband was deployed in Korea was just gross. Glad I told him what you did. Sincerely, someone who doesn't cheat

   you know what amazes me? .....that people would rather believe the mayans prophecies about 2012 then believe in a god that made the universe... doesnt seem quite right to me...

   Church sign reads, "Look at what's missing from ch__ch

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast

   .....Squirrels: Nature's Little Speed Bumps!

   wondering if its cool for people in China to get English word tattooes.

   Cruelty is contagious in uncivilized communities.

   I take very morning that I am able to open my eyes and wake up as another opportunity God has given me to be a better person than I was yesterday.

   Maybe if tmobile spent less time on attack commercials, and more time creating phones, and providing a good signal their company would suck a little less. iPhone is still the best!