Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HER: My dad thinks you're rude and inappropriate for me. ME: Screw your dad, there's people on Facebook who think I'm funny.

   I ain't sayin my gf is a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe..

   I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become.

   Money cant buy you happiness but its better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.

   there is a guy jerking 0ff in the car next to me. I bet he is my friend on Facebook. .

   The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."

   Match.com now has live events called Match.live. Should've called them what they really are: Sausagefests!!

   If you ignore me, I'll ignore your posters when your cat goes missing. Mostly because your cat and I will be too busy playing in my basement

   women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   "Stop flipping me off!" - Light Switch

   Some women should realize that they've lost the moon while trying to count the stars…

   Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."

   Instead of candy for your valentine why not liquor instead. ~Sign outside of a liquor store

   I feel bad for people that dont drink, because when you wake up in the morning thats the best your going to feel all day.

   if you can just walk away like nothing happened then it never mattered to you in the first place  

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...

   Rapper Soulja Boy was arrested on drug and weapons charges on Tuesday after a traffic stop in Georgia, police said. Now that's some good news for a change!!!

   My wife texted me something about a colonel being dead. I already sent a condolence letter to KFC.

   of course you like your new tempur pedic bed. anything is better than the stained, coily, saggy piece of sh*t you had before.

   Kinda glad the "You Broke It, You Bought It" policy doesn't apply .to people