Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some women should realize that they've lost the moon while trying to count the stars…

   Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."

   Instead of candy for your valentine why not liquor instead. ~Sign outside of a liquor store

   I feel bad for people that dont drink, because when you wake up in the morning thats the best your going to feel all day.

   if you can just walk away like nothing happened then it never mattered to you in the first place  

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...

   Rapper Soulja Boy was arrested on drug and weapons charges on Tuesday after a traffic stop in Georgia, police said. Now that's some good news for a change!!!

   My wife texted me something about a colonel being dead. I already sent a condolence letter to KFC.

   of course you like your new tempur pedic bed. anything is better than the stained, coily, saggy piece of sh*t you had before.

   Kinda glad the "You Broke It, You Bought It" policy doesn't apply .to people

   Don't you hate it when you call someone for ransom and they are rude and hang up on you? Dude, you just made me waste this quarter on this pay phone.

   watching hard core pawn is like watching when animals attack. If this is what people in Detroit acts like we may need to put a border fence around it and just pay Canada to take it.

   So on a scale from Ramen noodles to bisquits and gravy , How high are you ?

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   Why must you mock me humpday? We both know I'm not getting any. :p

   Ships in bottles are made by retired gynecologists.

   I might be having sex tonight. Is there a drink called 5-minute ENERGY ™?

   Wouldn't be nice to see if there is an alien on a far away planet that acts exactly like you do.

   Nothing like falling in love with a sociopath to make you question your judgement.

   Does anyone else remember when we bought boots at K-Mart, for 15 dollars, to wear when it snowed? Now they sell those same boots for 300 dollars and call them UGGs. . . .