Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Weed and Gay marriage are now legal in Colorado. The Bible says if a man should lay down with another man let him be stoned. Now it makes sense. I've been reading wrong all these years.

   Watchin the Music Awards... Boy, that Beiber chick is guna be one hot lesbian when she grows up!

   How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy,

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   I don't care how old you are , if you don't respect me i'm not respecting you .

   Bubba Wallace's garage door pull was investigated more than election fraud.

   good morning, I see the screw sticks are bashing our beloved prez again

   loves how Trig Palin is named after a math class he'll never pass.

   doesn't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   my 3 year old boy just informed me that "they nailed Jesus to a plus sign"

   The man in the yellow hat has clearly lost control of our president

   Dear coworker listening to your radio at a low volume instead of using headphones: country music sucks just as bad on 2 as it does on 10.

   Today is International Kissing Day!.....Who wants one?...Wait, let me put my teeth in First!!!

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.

   If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..

   a hangover is god's way of saying "you kicked a$$ last night"

   it took me 8 months to teach thee tubby one to say row

   Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."