Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   but the bigger question is the pilot of the french fighter jet that fired on Quadafi's tank....Did he immediately land and surrender to its crew?

   Hahaha AT&T bought out t mobile. After all the hating on tv, they sold out, shows how much better your 4g network is.

   I'm not cranky.. I just have a violent reaction to stupid people..

   everybody is entitled to their opinion no matter how wrong they may be.

   Just had the seating-plan through for Gerry Rafferty's funeral. Clowns to the left, jokers to the right.:

   Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of w

   Ok, who slipped me the laxatives?

   “A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.”

   Wouldn't it make more sense for Dell to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is ______ and common sense is my idea.

   thinking of misbehaving with you tonight, wanna come?

   Opted for SWAT team costume for Halloween. Cheap and easy. It occurred to me, however, that I've got a toy weapon. Would that be Toy Weapons And Tactics? I don't think it would be copacetic to place the acronym on the shirt.

   The closest thing to failure is hope

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   If three strikes in bowling is a turkey, then I wish you a happy XXX day tomorrow.

   They say that 40 is the new 30 - try telling that to a speed camera!

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.