Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, who slipped me the laxatives?

   “A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.”

   Wouldn't it make more sense for Dell to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is ______ and common sense is my idea.

   thinking of misbehaving with you tonight, wanna come?

   Opted for SWAT team costume for Halloween. Cheap and easy. It occurred to me, however, that I've got a toy weapon. Would that be Toy Weapons And Tactics? I don't think it would be copacetic to place the acronym on the shirt.

   The closest thing to failure is hope

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   If three strikes in bowling is a turkey, then I wish you a happy XXX day tomorrow.

   They say that 40 is the new 30 - try telling that to a speed camera!

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.

   life is like a box of chocolates..and sometimes you get ex lax....

   Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

   The first of the Chile miners has came outta the hole, rumors have it, that he seen his shadow....6 more weeks til winter!

   Why do I have to cry every time a miner comes out?

   To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.