Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting

   Why is it that when your not supposed to laugh everything is HILARIOUS?

   really dont like joggers.. watch the news isnt it a lil suspicious they are always the ones who find the bodies

   Dear person next to me in class, -->PLEASE WRITE BIGGER<-- Sincerely, didn't study.

   God grant me the serenity to accept that My Kids will always Drive me Crazy; courage to change their evil ways when I can; and wisdom to know When to walk away So I Wont ring Their neck

   Was told to set an example. So I picked to be a bad example

   Eskimos supposedly have 52 words for snow. That's weird, so does Charlie Sheen.

   Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?

   A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   When people hurt you, think of them like a sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you but in the end, you end up polished & they end up useless.

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.

   Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure

   How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.

   "How much for the rosary?" "Sir, those are an@l beads."

   I'm liberal but not Drive a Prius with a Coexist Bumper Sticker liberal.

   PrisonPickupLines Did you fart? Because you just blew me away

   Remember GENTLEMEN, you have to undo her bra to get a better look at her heart

   "DRINKY POOS"- What a girl calls a few drinks trying to be cute. "DRINKY POOS"- What a guy has after a night of drinking.

   Big Sunglasses: An ugly chick's best friend.