Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"

   Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

   Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, but all the fun is down here.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..

   How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.