Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got so bored at work today I actually started doing my job!!!

   With all these clown sightings, I’m gonna start picking them up in my UberPool. Even better, I'll use a tiny car and fit 20 in at a time!!!

   Geologists say the California earthquake will most likely happen this weekend due to earthquakes being too busy during the week.

   Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. That's the whole point of time travel!

   Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

   I was a creepy clown before it was wrong and considered illegal.

   It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.

   If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.

   Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.

   Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?

   [lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".

   The joke's on you, internet cookies. I clicked that ad you keep showing by accident!

   Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.

   Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured.