Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

   Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

   Amazon is on fire? That’s not going to mess up my Prime 2 day shipping… is it?

   Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.

   Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

   I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.

   I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

   Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

   I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!!

   *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano