Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, I've never thought much of Hugh Hefner, but you have to appreciate the irony. The creator of Playboy expires on a Wednesday-Hump Day.

   Me and Hugh Hefner had a lot in common................we both owned more than one bathrobe.

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*

   My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   Wednesday is the new Monday and Thursday is the new Hump Day.

   Fun fact: the tiny island of Tonga is one of the very first areas in the world to celebrate the New Year.

   My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock