Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this day gets any longer I'm gonna have to take a second lunch..

   exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls

   I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.

   The phone rang & I tried to answer the stapler..Yup its friday..chug chug

   Im alittle experimental tonight and I tell ya, I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   Can't wait till summer so I can enjoy long, romantic walks around tractor shows again....

   Somepeople were born to be other people's cheerleaders and praise singers.

   Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.

   Just saw an ad on my homepage that read, "Like Writing About Beards? Search For Careers Now!" - because if there's one thing we're really lacking right now, it's freelance beard writers.

   Mecurochrome, the mercury our moms put on our cuts with a plastic stick..we had two choices, like it or lump it. We liked it

   Your legs must be sore ..cause you've been stomping my dreams for years.

   Winning money in front of somebody you owe WinFail

   Life is nothing but anticipation followed by feelings of nostalgia for times that really weren't all that great.

   The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists

   ow you know your neighbor is a redneck when your jack-o-lantern has more teeth then she does.

   The perfect man is the one that can afford my therapy bills.

   I shot my girlfriend with a cupid's arrow thinking that she would fall more in love with me, but now she's just laying there on the ground ignoring me.

   Weekend forecast: feasting, imbibing and severe debauchering!

   What is up with all these Government drones? I can't even fly a freaking kite anymore.

   This "doing nothing" lark is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I'm done? :(