Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.

   The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!

   When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

   My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.

   We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

   No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.