Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   Whats the Canadian National Anthem again?

   I guess alot of people woke up on the wrong side of the wall today

   OK WHO NEEDS MOVING BOXES?

   Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. RIP Carrie Fisher.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.