Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

   I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook

   Do necrophyliacs need dead batteries for their sex toys?

   The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

   Screw the government, let's all smoke weed this weekend

   ...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......

   LeBron James opted out of his contract but he re-signed for another 8 years of attention whoring.

   Heck ... Getting into the DNC computers was easy enough for hackers .... Just think how easy it was for them to get into Hillary’s Private/Government server full of National Classified secrets and information that wasn’t even protected by a password

   If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.

   I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.

   Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.