Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!

   When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."

   do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   9 months from now the next baby boom will be called the CV19s and the top names will be Charmin, Angel & Scott

   Aswe end week 2 of the lockdown, I wonder if OsamaBinLadin stuck in his house with 3 wives n kids decided to call in those Navy Seal himself

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"

   I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....