Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.