Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....

   If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

   2016 stop it with the great musicians. You know that Nickelback is still around!

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!

   When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."

   do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?