Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..

   HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

   I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   Do necrophyliacs need dead batteries for their sex toys?

   If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”

   DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!

   You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

   I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from