Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we used our words more often for good things, what a wonderful place this could be.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   Yes dear I can put your keys in my handbag. Yes and your wallet dear. Oh sure your phone too. You sure you don't want a handbag for yourself

   The day Rick Ross jumps into the crowd will be the day we find out who his LOYAL fans are.

   You're closest to death when you speak to me after I just woke up from a nap.

   There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.

   When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to drink a cold Beer.....

   pfft....who needs state farm when Charles Ramsey is there~!!!

   People are what they do, not what they say.

   You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

   Sometimes all you need to brighten up your day is to sit down and read the thoughts of a couple thousand strangers.

   There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas

   And if he winds up being a switch hitter..he'll be known as: North Bi North West....well sorta.

   and...in Hollywood news, 2 people I've never heard of got married and 2 other people I've never heard of got divorced...

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   LIES PSYCHO WOMEN TELL: "I swear I have moved on"

   Male lions fight to impress the females. Bears do it, crocodiles do it and even men do it. Moral of the story: Females get you killed!!

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.

   After some investigating just found out that Manti's girlfriend real name is Fawn Liebowitz!!

   Jim Harbaugh knocks out half the power in the Superdome trying to unplug the scoreboard.