Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to drink a cold Beer.....

   pfft....who needs state farm when Charles Ramsey is there~!!!

   People are what they do, not what they say.

   You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

   Sometimes all you need to brighten up your day is to sit down and read the thoughts of a couple thousand strangers.

   There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas

   And if he winds up being a switch hitter..he'll be known as: North Bi North West....well sorta.

   and...in Hollywood news, 2 people I've never heard of got married and 2 other people I've never heard of got divorced...

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   LIES PSYCHO WOMEN TELL: "I swear I have moved on"

   Male lions fight to impress the females. Bears do it, crocodiles do it and even men do it. Moral of the story: Females get you killed!!

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.

   After some investigating just found out that Manti's girlfriend real name is Fawn Liebowitz!!

   Jim Harbaugh knocks out half the power in the Superdome trying to unplug the scoreboard.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Landline !

   Been chewing for over 50 years now......you'd think I'd know where the insides of my cheeks are by now.

   I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.

   Damn you're hot, but I've met fuzzy toilet seat covers more interesting than you.

   Hey Emo girl,,,,, what if you got a bunch of eyebrow rings,,, and put up little curtains over your eyes,,,,,, I bet you could really sleep better then

   I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.