Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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LOVE: If you need direction, search your heart. If you still can't find the answer, search through your significant other's sh!t. 
If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.
When you weigh under 150 pounds in prison you're literally doing hard time.
I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.
Did you thank God for not looking like Rick Ross or Chris Bosh today?
It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was stil lingers..
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother nature is bipolar... I've been trying to get her into therapy but she just threatens me with a hormonal disorder so...
wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???
why is it that when you bump heads only 1 of you feel the pain
going to hunt down the "Nationwide Is On Your Side" dude
looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it
I will avoid tomorrow those who eat Easter eggs today
I just took some candy from my baby nephew. I must say it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be....
Okay, so Osama is dead, horraay, but there are still thousands of clowns haunting the earth!
that akward moment when someone says something really dumb just as the crowd gets silent
Now thinking that I had the 455.00 back that I spent on fireworks....
im pretty sure charlie sheen will get fired from his own comedy central roast..
I wash my hands so many times a day, I couldn't contract OCD even if I wanted to.
Women use more words to drop subtle hints than to actually tell the thing. 