Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

   Mother nature is bipolar... I've been trying to get her into therapy but she just threatens me with a hormonal disorder so...

   wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???

   why is it that when you bump heads only 1 of you feel the pain

   going to hunt down the "Nationwide Is On Your Side" dude

   looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it

   I will avoid tomorrow those who eat Easter eggs today

   I just took some candy from my baby nephew. I must say it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be....

   Okay, so Osama is dead, horraay, but there are still thousands of clowns haunting the earth!

   that akward moment when someone says something really dumb just as the crowd gets silent

   Now thinking that I had the 455.00 back that I spent on fireworks....

   im pretty sure charlie sheen will get fired from his own comedy central roast..

   I wash my hands so many times a day, I couldn't contract OCD even if I wanted to.

   Women use more words to drop subtle hints than to actually tell the thing.

   I bet guys called Brendan wish they could get the drugs their parents were taking when they were picking baby names.

   Sorry Monday...I'm just not that into you.

   Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you

   It's a man's world, until the woman refuses to make a sandwich.

   a social drinker. You're having one? Well so-cial I!

   Sometimes you gotta travel downhill a bit to find the best place to build a solid foundation for the future.