Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop acting like you don't care. I'm starting to believe you.

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   Next time for national twins day, I expect more women to post pics of their "twins". You were slacking this year.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   My favorite yoga move is the one where I nap under my desk until it's time to leave.

   Pro tip: when you're watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don't suggest potential additional wives.

   When I see ad's on Tv with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product ,the only thing I want to go out and buy are the Meds they must be on.

   finding the Christmas spirit, now if only I can find someone who is in the giving mood to pay

   Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue

   If there were to be a strip club with comedic act every night. Would it be called the Witty Titty?

   dude, I'm pretty sure your car isnt supposed to sound like a dirt bike!

   Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself: "Is this all there is?" And then I hear a little voice that says: "What kind of question is that?"

   doesn't accept blame well... but it's not my fault.

   I never knew pain till I threw up those pretzels

   I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

   Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   stop making excuses and start finding the reasons to do things , the only limitation is your imagination and YOU !!

   wisdom comes with age , but sometimes age comes alone!!!

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?