Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a chicken crosses the road it is poultry in motion.

   Financial planning? You mean being pretty?

   Been teaching the grandkids about taxes at DQ by eating 38% of their ice cream.......

   Sweep her off her feet guys. Chicks are really impressed with UFC skills

   A group of babies is called i'm leaving

   I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.

   Stop acting like you don't care. I'm starting to believe you.

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   Next time for national twins day, I expect more women to post pics of their "twins". You were slacking this year.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   My favorite yoga move is the one where I nap under my desk until it's time to leave.

   Pro tip: when you're watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don't suggest potential additional wives.

   When I see ad's on Tv with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product ,the only thing I want to go out and buy are the Meds they must be on.

   finding the Christmas spirit, now if only I can find someone who is in the giving mood to pay

   Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue

   If there were to be a strip club with comedic act every night. Would it be called the Witty Titty?

   dude, I'm pretty sure your car isnt supposed to sound like a dirt bike!

   Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself: "Is this all there is?" And then I hear a little voice that says: "What kind of question is that?"

   doesn't accept blame well... but it's not my fault.

   I never knew pain till I threw up those pretzels