Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard ET has announced "A Very Special Kardashian Divorce" special to air around Thanksgiving.

   Imagine if those kids that built 'FROSTY' would of had 2 carrots that day.?

   The best posts are the ones that make you say "I had no idea other people did that!".

   into the darkness, I give myself up. For tonight, I drink from the sandman's cup. A slumber's kiss has put me under it's spell and as a result, I bid thee a farewell! Dreams await these tired eyes, for sleep is just a days demise. Once more, I bid thee

   calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew you clothes a little bit tighter every night!

   Don't hate the a$$hole, hate the chick that made him that way.

   Collected few nice contradictory words in the past few days. I realised we seem to be using them randomly. -- 1. Clearly misunderstood 2. Exact estimate 3. Small crowd 4. Act naturally 5. Fully empty. 6. Free Gift

   For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.

   new job...shoving pretzels up screaming m&m's asses..its a living

   Never trust a fat chick who doesn't wear her real size, she can't even be honest with herself.

   I'm making a deal with Nicholas Cage that I'll see his movie but only after he really sets his face on fire.

   just read 1 in 5 people pee in the swimming pool...WTF, thats what the hot tub is for...

   I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!

   If we're gonna take this relationship to the next level, at some point you'll have to loosen my straps

   You say: "I now pronounce you man and wife". I hear: "FINISH HIM!!" (Mortal Combat music blasting)

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors

   You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.