Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Collected few nice contradictory words in the past few days. I realised we seem to be using them randomly. -- 1. Clearly misunderstood 2. Exact estimate 3. Small crowd 4. Act naturally 5. Fully empty. 6. Free Gift

   For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.

   new job...shoving pretzels up screaming m&m's asses..its a living

   Never trust a fat chick who doesn't wear her real size, she can't even be honest with herself.

   I'm making a deal with Nicholas Cage that I'll see his movie but only after he really sets his face on fire.

   just read 1 in 5 people pee in the swimming pool...WTF, thats what the hot tub is for...

   I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!

   If we're gonna take this relationship to the next level, at some point you'll have to loosen my straps

   You say: "I now pronounce you man and wife". I hear: "FINISH HIM!!" (Mortal Combat music blasting)

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors

   You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.

   When people say they can't do something because their hands are full I always hope their hands are full of twinkies.

   my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr

   Some say I have the body of a 60 year old man, others say I have the body of a 13 year old girl. All I can say is, The police found nothing!

   Am I allowed to see the Hunger Games on a full stomach?

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   Depending on whether I win the Mega Millions..... I'll either be having my birthday party this year at the Space Station or the local VFW. Standby