Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We support gay marriages!!" Signed, wedding planners and divorce lawyers.

   GIRLFRIEND: Have you ever been with a fat chick? ME: Nope, you're the first one. GIRLFRIEND: What?

   If your ass had a twitter account I'd follow it.

   If only these walls could talk -- then I wouldn't be drinking all by myself.

   In real world, most of people on Facebook, Internet and twitter would be in prison.

   Nothing wrong with shooting people as long as the right people get shot. -Harry Callahan

   Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?

   Just visited Facebook backstage. Great atmosphere: everyone rehearsing jokes, cooking up a storm, editing cat videos, and training for next week's arguments.

   When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.

   To me "just kidding" means I'm joking but I'm kinda serious.

   all of this sub-zero whether is putting a damper on my flag pole licking

   I'm goin to a pretty place now where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so....

   and thats how I lost another watch

   does not know that the bird is the word.

   just seen a man wearing pinki capri's, must be a foreigner..

   Im not random...you just cant think as fast as me! :)

   a certain sign of who will wear the pants suit in your marriage is when the wedding reception has a Vegan menu and a gluten-free cake!

   Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

   A study finds that most US currency is laced with cocaine. In fact, most dollar bills have a street value of $1.07.

   You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.