Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want's to hijack Family Radio and play 48 hours of ACDC for your listening pleasures.

   I wear my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible.

   Today's best euphemism for self gratification: Buttering your corn.

   Stories that have been ripped from the headlines are the best. Except the ones ripped by bears. They're really hard to read.

   Last time I checked, it bounced.

   and with a flick of my lighter, the dishes are done.

   The Beatles saved the world from boredom. - George Harrison

   Will not post anymore about snow after this post telling others to stop posting about snow.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think some people are taking it as a challenge.

   For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here"

   HOW TO CONTROL PEOPLE: Repeatedly lie to people about a "life-ending event" in the basis of religion enough times to where they slighty believe you and have them talk about it all over the world.

   installing SKYNET.... ████████████░░░░░░░░░ 49% DONE. Errors found....decompressing...... Installation failed. Please try again in 2012. *doh*

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   whenver ur alone & need a hug, just remember....so does a cactus

   The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.

   I assume Cupid saw his shadow this year...

   Remember the old days? When you use to be able to throw a hooker out of a moving car, and they'd charge her with littering.

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life