Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone set them free. Then lock the door so they cant get back in.

   I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old…

   This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

   t’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives

   100% of the people who got to apply algebra in their lives are now algebra teachers.

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   No lady, I didn't just trip you out of control child running through the store by accident, it was on purpose. . .

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?

   Your face owes my eyeballs an apology.

   Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal are living proof that talent is not that important to make it in Hollywood.

   ...Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!

   Do you have that one family member that keeps you away from your other family?

   This is the season for giving, so give generously whenever possible. Yes, I mean Oral.

   “cannot connect to network. try resetting your wireless router” umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor’s house? Should I call him?

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   "Excuse me, are you using this mirror?" - Me, at the gym

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:

   when the sun hits your laptop screen, and you realise it has enough dust to start your own desert.