Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?

   Your face owes my eyeballs an apology.

   Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal are living proof that talent is not that important to make it in Hollywood.

   ...Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!

   Do you have that one family member that keeps you away from your other family?

   This is the season for giving, so give generously whenever possible. Yes, I mean Oral.

   “cannot connect to network. try resetting your wireless router” umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor’s house? Should I call him?

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   "Excuse me, are you using this mirror?" - Me, at the gym

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:

   when the sun hits your laptop screen, and you realise it has enough dust to start your own desert.

   My day has sucked so much I keep looking around to see if Rob Schneider is in it.

   it just me, or was music better when ugly people were allowed to make it?

   My wife just put me in charge of obeying her.

   Easter falls on 4/20 this year...... Easter Bunny is going to have completely different grass in his basket!

   I don’t think I’d ever be offended by other men hitting on my girlfriend. I’d me more offended if they didn’t. Coz what’s wrong with her?

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   Girls, not all guys are jerks... just most of us