Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   According to Bernie, no one working a 40 week should live in poverty. According to those who built America, no one living in poverty should just work 40 hours a week!

   Always finish your salad, kids. A thousand islands died to make that dressing....

   A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

   "When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.

   some guy on the highway just flipped me off, I would have done it back but I would have had to put down my phone or candy bar. Wasn't worth it.

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   (ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake???

   I never knew my mechanic was pshchic until he told me I blew a tranny in my car.

   Never underestimate a man with a perm.

   Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail... Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn’t be done over text.

   If you love someone set them free. Then lock the door so they cant get back in.

   I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old…

   This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

   t’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives

   100% of the people who got to apply algebra in their lives are now algebra teachers.

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   No lady, I didn't just trip you out of control child running through the store by accident, it was on purpose. . .