Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Female NFL Referee: [Drops Penalty Flag]. Player: What did I do? Female NFL Referee: You know what you did.

   I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.

   Another fun fact .... Economic growth under President Reagan was almost DOUBLE what it is under the Obama Presidency .... Or as the Democrats like to call the Reagan Economy ..... a Failed Economy.

   Surely the LAPD has better things to do than bust old men yanking it in an adult movie theater…

   16 and pregnant? how about 18 and graduated!

   When you have a baby, does a hormone in your body force you to make your baby your Facebook profile picture?

   Ladies; The "JUICY" on the back of these shorts should really be on the front.

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian "kill" scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.

   i like my women like I like my peanut butter.. super chunk

   How high on the douche bag scale is the guy with his polo collar popped??

   You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with "So, this damn bi&ch..."

   Its cold enough to chip a nipple...

   These days: Smart Phones, Stupid People

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.

   Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.

   Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.

   never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued

   I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.

   I wish weekends went by like microwave minutes