Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shall open my own deli and my slogan will be: "No one beats my meat!"

   Now that I'm older I'm starting realize when my mom made me let her check my candy...It wasn't her way of trying to save me from the bad candy...She just wanted too steal the good stuff for herself...Thanks Mom

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. I want a fantastic right now! :D

   9 words to live by... IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE OFFICER ;)

   "Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull Volcano" Earth's way of Celebrating 4/20

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   I will take "Reasons for not wanting to work today" for $200 Alex

   My microwave has a button that says "STOP TIME", its probably to stop the timer but I don't touch it just in case

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours

   just got the weather report, and yes, it is snowing in Hell right now, with patches of ice forming. Is that arrogant, entitled, snobby, noble, self-righteous, arrogant attitude back firing on you much, Coakley?

   thinks that unless you people can come up with a better idea...she'll be giving up her vow of celibacy for Lent this year

   thinks it's funny when the kids on the paternity episodes of Maury Povich look like my friends. It's okay guys, I ain't saying a damn thing.

   does not think of himself as fat, he thinks of himself as being famine and drought resistant.

   Ever feel like stapling someones ear to their desk and slam a sticky note on their head that says "Help me, my ear is stuck to the table"?

   I propose a toast to all my friends who are still with me in 2011. To those who unfriended me in 2010... you can kiss my glass.