Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm available if you wanna dance with somebody or wanna feel the heat with somebody... just sayin.

   I hate when i'm shopping at the grocery store and realize the shopping cart I've been pushing across the aisle isn't mine and I don't have a blonde haired blue-eyed baby....

   I've got two chickens to paralyze!!! - Eddie Money

   And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.

   ⚪️ single ⚪️ taken 🔘 stuck in 20 friend zones

   Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.

   Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.

   "I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate

   "Reverse cowgirl"… So you don't have to experience morning breath

   I'm going to as many Halloween parties as I can. I'll be in the invisible man. You'll just have to imagine I'm there. . .

   Naughty phrases you can say on thanksgiving: "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"..."It's a little dry, do you still wanna eat it??" "You still have some on your chin"..."If I don't undo my pants I'm gonna bust!!"

   McDonald’s in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   If you suffer from Feelings and Sh*t, Alcohol might be right for you....Don't ask your doctor, Just do it.

   I’m white but not “I like to watch golf” white.

   What’s the difference between a fat chick and Broncos offense? A fat chick scores every once in a while!

   I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.

   I can’t afford to see a chiropractor, so I just lie on my back and slide down the stairs like a cartoon.

   Trump is the best thing to ever happen to US comedians.

   How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarettes. 

   My liver is so cute when it's all like... "Oh God!!! someone please help me!"