Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders how come so many people "Roll On The Floor *Laughing*" (ROTFL)? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.

   Furnace quit working and I woke up to a house that was 59 degrees. For a minute there, I thought I was married again:)

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?

   my nephew thought my Ex-girlfriend was part of the X-men...So I replied "no nephew, she just look like a Beast".

   You're not Pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

   "Hangover" makes it sounds like it's all done now. I'd like to propose the term "hanghappening".

   Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.

   "Maturity is simply the wisdom to determine da right time to be a kid and da right time to be an adult."

   loves animals... especially in gravy

   wrapping my girlfriends present, but I tell ya I'm not comfortable with tape near my puibs...

   I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   There are only 4 words that end of argument. Face down, Ass up.

   We all suffer from a stroke at some point in our lives. Whether it be a stroke of bad luck, a blood clot, or a dry handjob.

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   "Your Honor, Mr Travolta attempted to go up my client's nose with a rubber hose"