Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours

   just became a fan of I KNOW YOUR A FAN OF "GET A NOTIFICATION OF WHO VIEWED YOUR PROFILE" SO I AM GOING TO CLICK ON YOUR PROFILE PAGE 400 TIMES A DAY TO GIVE YOU FALSE HOPE OR TO THINK I AM CYBER STALKING YOU...

   eaten so many skittles shes peeing rainbows!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   Remember when TV was free?

   ***Breaking News*** Facebook launches new site dedicated to unattractive ladies posting seductive profile pictures of themselves. Butterfacebook.com

   ...after driving from Portland to Seattle, I no longer have a sense of peace on earth, nor any goodwill toward men… or that b*^%# in the Mazda just north of Tacoma.

   I'm a man of tradition, but My girl has convinced me it's time to stop celebrating, and time to take down the decorations. I suppose she's right. It's been a few months since her mum's funeral.

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   needs a new fitness plan... LMAO is not making my pants fit any better

   so looking forward to seeing "New Moon". Wow! An emo-kid vampire movie? How original!

   Never go to bed angry - Stay awake and plot your revenge!

   Love is just a misunderstanding between two fools

   if texting and driving is dangerous....look at me I'm updating my face book!

   YEP McDonald's has done it AGAIN.....f*cked up ANOTHER order!!

   was very excited until my wife informed me that is NOT why they call it Hump Day. Sure, honey. And I suppose that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with mayonnaise?

   DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am!

   Wow!! Scientists have created mice from two males. Sadly, the mice cannot ask, nor tell, about it. ....

   Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.

   I recently started to grow a beard, and I gotta tell ya... I feel way cooler already