Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a man of tradition, but My girl has convinced me it's time to stop celebrating, and time to take down the decorations. I suppose she's right. It's been a few months since her mum's funeral.

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   needs a new fitness plan... LMAO is not making my pants fit any better

   so looking forward to seeing "New Moon". Wow! An emo-kid vampire movie? How original!

   Never go to bed angry - Stay awake and plot your revenge!

   Love is just a misunderstanding between two fools

   if texting and driving is dangerous....look at me I'm updating my face book!

   YEP McDonald's has done it AGAIN.....f*cked up ANOTHER order!!

   was very excited until my wife informed me that is NOT why they call it Hump Day. Sure, honey. And I suppose that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with mayonnaise?

   DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am!

   Wow!! Scientists have created mice from two males. Sadly, the mice cannot ask, nor tell, about it. ....

   Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.

   I recently started to grow a beard, and I gotta tell ya... I feel way cooler already

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   Forget about differences, let's talk about our similaritites. You ever wake up in the middle of the night, and you don't know what freakin' day it is?

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this s@%t…”

   When being chased by police, you're best chance is to throw the passenger out the window. They will most likely stop for them, so you can get away.

   Do you have Beiber Fever? I'm sick of him too...

   This status update is from my friend Josiah. He's Amish and never really gets to give a status update : / "Hey, I'm good." ~ Josiah