Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's cute how you all call them "weddings" instead of prison sentencings

   ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....

   My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"

   I don't like Hot Pockets at all. But I imagine that people who like scalding the roof of their mouths while getting diarrhea all in the same day probably love them.

   Say what you will about George Zimmerman. But the guy really sticks to his guns.

   Eminem is 41 years old what the hell.

   If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.

   Quite a number of women put "Ugh" in their statuses to show the stress and pain of their "situation." To me it almost sounds like you're constipated. "Ugh!! I really don't wanna go to work today, ugh!"

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   Joe Dirt says 'Lifes a garden Dig It' I say 'life is NOT a garden so stop being a hoe!'

   Fripple - adj. Cold enough to freeze nipples. (etymology: combination of the words frozen and nipple) Ex. It is fripple cold outside,

   I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours

   just became a fan of I KNOW YOUR A FAN OF "GET A NOTIFICATION OF WHO VIEWED YOUR PROFILE" SO I AM GOING TO CLICK ON YOUR PROFILE PAGE 400 TIMES A DAY TO GIVE YOU FALSE HOPE OR TO THINK I AM CYBER STALKING YOU...

   eaten so many skittles shes peeing rainbows!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   Remember when TV was free?

   ***Breaking News*** Facebook launches new site dedicated to unattractive ladies posting seductive profile pictures of themselves. Butterfacebook.com

   ...after driving from Portland to Seattle, I no longer have a sense of peace on earth, nor any goodwill toward men… or that b*^%# in the Mazda just north of Tacoma.