Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You say “I'm sorry,” I hear “I surrender.”

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   Just once I would love to get a junk email that read..."P*nis englargment?? No way dude! You are set! Forget I even sent this message." Is that too much to ask???

   It’s insulting that 1-800-proflowers think we men can be guilted into ordering flowers for our…gotta go, only 1 caller ahead!!

   Respect for yourself is good morals. Respect for others is good manners. Respect for women is good for oral.

   Microwaving stuff which claims to be non-microwavable is kinda my thing.

   What manner of devilry is this?!? Just when Colorado and Washington legalize pot - Twinkies goes out of business?!?

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob so nothing else is important anymore.

   Damn, it's so hot out. the tounges of my sneakers are hanging out.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   So much attention for the Royal baby, so many interviews and expert opinions you would think it's the first baby ever to be born.

   I’m on to you mister..... there were no pearls and that was NOT a necklace.

   Some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?

   Ariel Castro's last words to the guards were "I'm going to go hang out in my cell for a while."

   there is a Reason why Everybody says Everything happens for a Reason?"

   The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   may your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it on facebook

   If I told you that you had a beautiful body would you hold it against some other guy while I'm out at work just trying to provide for us?