Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?

   Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   100% of non smokers die, just not as poor as the ones who pay 5.51$ a pack.

   Loyal women will love you while you're broke; a ho will love you till you're broke

   Nick Wallenda would never fail a sobriety test.... WOW!!

   You say “I'm sorry,” I hear “I surrender.”

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   Just once I would love to get a junk email that read..."P*nis englargment?? No way dude! You are set! Forget I even sent this message." Is that too much to ask???

   It’s insulting that 1-800-proflowers think we men can be guilted into ordering flowers for our…gotta go, only 1 caller ahead!!

   Respect for yourself is good morals. Respect for others is good manners. Respect for women is good for oral.

   Microwaving stuff which claims to be non-microwavable is kinda my thing.

   What manner of devilry is this?!? Just when Colorado and Washington legalize pot - Twinkies goes out of business?!?

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob so nothing else is important anymore.

   Damn, it's so hot out. the tounges of my sneakers are hanging out.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   So much attention for the Royal baby, so many interviews and expert opinions you would think it's the first baby ever to be born.

   I’m on to you mister..... there were no pearls and that was NOT a necklace.