Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned... 
Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.
thinks as a male, I will always feel judged when buying hand lotion….
My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!!......She's inflatable.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip
There is no Hell. There is only France. --Frank Zappa
There's a Facebook group titled "Dear, Kanye West if Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do"
working on harnessing the addictive component in meth…figure if I can bottle it, fast food companies and ugly people everywhere would pay me millions for it!!!!
prentends to be a russian gymnast when left alone in a elevator
drinking beer so I can drive to the store tomorrow to return the deposit bottles so I can afford to buy gas so I may go get more beer this weekend. Its an endless cycle.
For 30min. I watched the evening news, and in the entire 30min the only truths I could confirm, were in the commercials. :(
I'm not sure who was on the elevator before me but they left all of their cologne in here. All of it.
Why am I able to walk for miles with no problem, but as soon as I look for my house keys, I start doing the pee-pee dance?
I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.
I truly feel yoga pants were invented to give women complete control over guys.
I pretend to work.They pretend to pay me.
My printer must have been made in Jamaica because it always be jammin, mon.
I wish we could google how a certain person feels about us.
Be careful about the type of relationship you get yourself into. Don't be what they need, be what they want. There is a huge difference.
It's about time to move my cheese 