Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   working on harnessing the addictive component in meth…figure if I can bottle it, fast food companies and ugly people everywhere would pay me millions for it!!!!

   prentends to be a russian gymnast when left alone in a elevator

   drinking beer so I can drive to the store tomorrow to return the deposit bottles so I can afford to buy gas so I may go get more beer this weekend. Its an endless cycle.

   For 30min. I watched the evening news, and in the entire 30min the only truths I could confirm, were in the commercials. :(

   I'm not sure who was on the elevator before me but they left all of their cologne in here. All of it.

   Why am I able to walk for miles with no problem, but as soon as I look for my house keys, I start doing the pee-pee dance?

   I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.

   I truly feel yoga pants were invented to give women complete control over guys.

   I pretend to work.They pretend to pay me.

   My printer must have been made in Jamaica because it always be jammin, mon.

   I wish we could google how a certain person feels about us.

   Be careful about the type of relationship you get yourself into. Don't be what they need, be what they want. There is a huge difference.

   It's about time to move my cheese

   two ways to get friends you never knew you had, join facebook and pull out a pack of gum!!!

   Man, my supervisor should've called in sick today, I think he has diarrhea of the mouth.... that's right, he can't stop talking s#*t!

   Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   NCAA March Madness Bracket TIME OF DEATH: 11:33pm, 03-18-10

   Dont use that tone of text with me!

   Curiosity killed the cat... but satisfaction brought him back.

   I saw a guy in WalMart wearing aqua socks. I was afraid to take his picture, as it might provoke my murder and subsequent skinning.