Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   I just masturbated without crying afterwards. Who's emotionally unstable now, SUSAN??

   ....Nothing says "F@#K YOU" better than "your call has been forwarded to automatic voice message center"

   It is said that the first step to solving the problem of an addict!on is the verbal admission of the issue itself. Okay then: I love n@ked women.

   High pulp, no pulp, with Calcium, w/o Calcium… WTF happened to just regular OJ??

   Well, our relationship didn't work out the first time, maybe the 37th will be the charm. - Couples who are stupid.

   The only thing more boring than Oprahs interview to Lance Armstrong is watching the tour de france

   It is what I is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   The search for Friday night is followed much too quickly by the discovery of Monday morning.

   I never drink, I only disinfect internal injuries.

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   My money is on Sacha Baron Cohen playing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in the biopic.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   78,000 applied for a one way trip to Mars? I wonder what part of "one way trip" did they not understand...?

   If I ever have to have a steel plate in my head,. I'm gonna start me an awsome magnet collection.

   I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.

   If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   My cat just accidentally walked on my laptop keyboard and got me an online degree in the process.

   I'm not naive enough to count out the Miami Cheat...but I loved every second of that game last night. Especially the look of utter disgust on Eric Spoesltra's face near the end of the game.