Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I must be getting better at this stalking business.

   “Don't share your top secrets with anyone because if you yourself can't keep them, never expect that somebody else will.”

   Masturbation is like math. You can always count on your fingers.

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   May I call you Pebbles ‘cause you're as dumb as a rock!

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I sleep on a mattress on the floor next to a cooler of beer that doubles as my nightstand so don't tell me about being "single."

   My money is on Sacha Baron Cohen playing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in the biopic.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   78,000 applied for a one way trip to Mars? I wonder what part of "one way trip" did they not understand...?

   If I ever have to have a steel plate in my head,. I'm gonna start me an awsome magnet collection.

   I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.

   If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   My cat just accidentally walked on my laptop keyboard and got me an online degree in the process.

   I'm not naive enough to count out the Miami Cheat...but I loved every second of that game last night. Especially the look of utter disgust on Eric Spoesltra's face near the end of the game.

   I never drink, I only disinfect internal injuries.