Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of saying "happy Halloween" I've been whispering to the kids "find me on facebook..."... I think I'll have a much smaller turn-out next year.

   It's funny how a baby who wakes to eat and goes right back to sleep is a good baby yet, this is is definition of a crummy husband!

   My Supervisor is complaining that he's tired of eating chicken all the time, as I sit here eating a "chicken flavored" cup of noodles.

   I see you have all behaved well during this year and for your present, Justin Bieber is going to retire from singing. - Yours Santa

   There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.

   For heaven's sake, stop blaming yourself. I have already done that for you.

   when Justin Beiber gets killed it wont be a tragedy but natural selection at its finest.

   Its not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.

   Kill Whitey - Beyonce probably

   No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."

   Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information.

   May I call you Pebbles ‘cause you're as dumb as a rock!

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I sleep on a mattress on the floor next to a cooler of beer that doubles as my nightstand so don't tell me about being "single."

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I must be getting better at this stalking business.

   “Don't share your top secrets with anyone because if you yourself can't keep them, never expect that somebody else will.”