Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Olympic sport would be getting the hell out of Russia

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   If no one is there to touch you, are you really there?

   RIP to all those men who needlessly died at Gallipoli so that the corporations could benefit from another war.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my d.....

   The difference between being good... And being better is sometimes in how willing you are to let your Demons free to dance with your Angels.

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   People who type awe when you mean aww, look up the definition of awe. I’ll wait. Yeah, see? So stop doing that.

   As someone who wears glasses I usually don’t understand when someone at a party asks for us to raise our glasses.

   Bruce Jenner? Never heard of her...

   I know you're supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?

   If the NFL wants to punish Tom Brady, they shouldn't suspend him for four games. They should suspend his linemen for four games.

   In many cultures, it's considered good luck to be bitten by Luis Suarez.

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

   Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.

   I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.

   judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life

   Texting wasn't always easy, in my day you had to work for it...You had to want it...You need an S? You better click that 7 button four times