Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   hospital is a place where they'll wake you up from sleep to give you a sleeping pill.

   I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.

   Sesame Street has moved to HBO and promise to contain some shocking spoilers, like how to get there.

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   What a great time to be alive. If this was 100 years ago I might randomly catch polio, get drafted to fight in WWI or be someone’s slave.

   The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

   My Olympic sport would be getting the hell out of Russia

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   If no one is there to touch you, are you really there?

   RIP to all those men who needlessly died at Gallipoli so that the corporations could benefit from another war.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my d.....

   The difference between being good... And being better is sometimes in how willing you are to let your Demons free to dance with your Angels.

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   People who type awe when you mean aww, look up the definition of awe. I’ll wait. Yeah, see? So stop doing that.

   As someone who wears glasses I usually don’t understand when someone at a party asks for us to raise our glasses.

   Bruce Jenner? Never heard of her...

   I know you're supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?

   If the NFL wants to punish Tom Brady, they shouldn't suspend him for four games. They should suspend his linemen for four games.