Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go.. Now I have Sure on the left and Not so Sure on the right.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   Men are like coolers. Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

   I've got five fingers. the middle is yours.

   Pakistan... An oasis on the coastline of the Arabian sea specializing in the comfort of terrorists seeking an extended lavish getaway.

   If they make a Fast and the Furious 6 they have to make another Rocky, I cant live in a world where there are more Fast and the Furious movies than Rocky movies.

   ‎...And you ALL laughed at me when I said Justin Bieber was a sign of the Apocalypse!!!

   stocking up on Twinkies and shotgun shells.

   Proctalgia Fugax Is A Pain In The Butt.

   Blaming others for your misfortune can ruin your health -- which you'll probably just blame on somebody else too.

   Someone called me Psycho, but I think they really meant Psychic!

   Confidence is the foundation upon which beauty is built.

   Girls say the only man they can trust is their dad, men say the only girl they can trust is the one they're having an affair with :P

   My girlfriend never says what she means, but drops hints and leaves clues she wants me to try and figure out. Its like I'm dating the frickin' Riddler!! Well I'm not Batman so she is SOL.

   Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.

   love is a social disease.

   I'm mayhem.....no your not, your that guy who played on OZ.

   roses are red, violets are blue, the moment you leave, I'm robbing you... Thank you Iphone GPS!

   snoop dog is now an active member on nickelodeon. GREAT! if my son is walkin around with a cane and a purple jump suit with a blunt hangin out his face when hes 12 i'll know why.