Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   planning a vacation to get away from people....see you guys in couple of hours, will facebook hourly to update you guys about my vacation

   when the only thing you have is a hammer every moron resembles a nail

   Right now my life is like a video game I'm stuck on this level without ne cheat codes

   enjoyed deleting 10 friends to get a free Whopper.

   can't seem to put out old flames, especially when they come back blazing in glory.

   cocaine: is actually a rich man's aspirin

   We can sense paranoia and we are coming for you.

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go.. Now I have Sure on the left and Not so Sure on the right.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   Men are like coolers. Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

   I've got five fingers. the middle is yours.

   Pakistan... An oasis on the coastline of the Arabian sea specializing in the comfort of terrorists seeking an extended lavish getaway.

   If they make a Fast and the Furious 6 they have to make another Rocky, I cant live in a world where there are more Fast and the Furious movies than Rocky movies.

   ‎...And you ALL laughed at me when I said Justin Bieber was a sign of the Apocalypse!!!

   stocking up on Twinkies and shotgun shells.

   Proctalgia Fugax Is A Pain In The Butt.

   Blaming others for your misfortune can ruin your health -- which you'll probably just blame on somebody else too.

   Someone called me Psycho, but I think they really meant Psychic!