Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Acquaintance: a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

   Karen on Facebook says… "It's sooo hot! Not sure I'll survive the day!" It's only summer, Karen. It's not like you just landed on Mercury.

   People who wish they had a nickel for every time such-and-such happened should raise their prices a little.

   Trying to start a conga line at work is unprofessional, and borders on sexual harassment. 'Apparently'.

   You can tell if someone is getting any booty or not, just by the way they post...

   What you feed your mind determines your appetite.

   "How to look good naked" - simple, cheap and effective -just turn off the light.

   You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.

   If my door was closed when you came in, make sure its closed on your way out. Thank you!

   Thinking back on my life I've ridden a donkey down the grand canyon, not a big deal. The fact I sustained an erection the whole time humming the Bonanza theme probably IS!

   Why would you stay friends with your ex? When you get fired from a job, you don't stick around and watch other people do your job.

   Fellaz: Be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get pu$$y.

   TGIF....this gas is free (neighbor doesnt use locking gas cap

   If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

   My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.

   Dear sweaty bum who sits on the stoop where I work. Clock me in at 6:45 and I promise to be there at noon to buy you a happy meal

   I think the use of steroids to grow our food is outta control, my apple has a beard

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"