Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Good thing Salmon Wilcox is on the side with the lights or you wouldn't be able to see him. 
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire
I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.
At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.
BREAKING NEWS: The Cinncinatti Bengals have announced that they have entered into negotiations with the New England Patriots to trade for Aaron Hernandez..
Can't decide if I should start drinking now, or wait until one of you pisses me off. Now it is.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Acquaintance: a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
Karen on Facebook says… "It's sooo hot! Not sure I'll survive the day!" It's only summer, Karen. It's not like you just landed on Mercury.
People who wish they had a nickel for every time such-and-such happened should raise their prices a little.
Trying to start a conga line at work is unprofessional, and borders on sexual harassment. 'Apparently'.
You can tell if someone is getting any booty or not, just by the way they post...
What you feed your mind determines your appetite.
"How to look good naked" - simple, cheap and effective -just turn off the light.
You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.
A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.
I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.
If my door was closed when you came in, make sure its closed on your way out. Thank you!
Thinking back on my life I've ridden a donkey down the grand canyon, not a big deal. The fact I sustained an erection the whole time humming the Bonanza theme probably IS!
Why would you stay friends with your ex? When you get fired from a job, you don't stick around and watch other people do your job. 