Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All you guys thinking of dressing as Tom Brady hold deflated balls this Halloween and thinking how original and funny it will be. Don't. It won't.

   Men, I don't care about your abs, I do care if you drink lite beer. Keep the belly, drink real beer.

   "I'm not afraid of women any longer" - My Tombstone

   I'm behind in my time traveling project. Or am I?

   [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   If you come in late to work you must leave early to make up for it.

   I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?

   My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.

   n't out government great...now thay have decided to shut down because they can't all agree on how to spend the imaginary money that has not even been printed yet.

   All I want is someone who knows where all my stuff is when I am missing it.

   I can't relate to people who "forget to eat"

   Long story short: Roses and violets are their appropriate colours,,,, thus I find you attractive.

   I blame all this snow on people who think its fun to decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. ... mother nature just went along with them. ...so they cant b*tch..

   What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   Shooting a bear doesn't make you a badass. Feeding a bear while her cub humps your leg makes you a f*cking badass!!!

   There's no better karate instructor, than a spider web in your face.

   In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.