Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?

   My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.

   n't out government great...now thay have decided to shut down because they can't all agree on how to spend the imaginary money that has not even been printed yet.

   All I want is someone who knows where all my stuff is when I am missing it.

   I can't relate to people who "forget to eat"

   Long story short: Roses and violets are their appropriate colours,,,, thus I find you attractive.

   I blame all this snow on people who think its fun to decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. ... mother nature just went along with them. ...so they cant b*tch..

   What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   Shooting a bear doesn't make you a badass. Feeding a bear while her cub humps your leg makes you a f*cking badass!!!

   There's no better karate instructor, than a spider web in your face.

   In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.

   You're not a model....you are just a white girl taking selfies in the mirror.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

   My all time favorite coworker is the coffee machine.

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google

   I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.

   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.