Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You make me want to be a better nobody.

   Tim Burton films used to be deep, now they're just depp.

   lots of confidence, but I still hate you.

   No thanks speed dating. I'll settle for being awkward one date at a time.

   Remember kids, drunk texting your ex at 2am for a booty call is the best way to show everyone that you've moved on.

   Never send laughter to do a medicinal job

   Sorry for drunk texting last night. And this morning. And right now.

   I'm so old I remember when "LOL" meant "Laugh Out Loud" and not "I can't think of anything to reply with.""

   Another successful Lent season accomplished by vowing not to eat healthy food for 40 days. Think I'll keep it going.

   Sparklers, the turkey bacon of fireworks.

   "He has it all and doesn't even realize it", I whisper, glaring at the guy working at Dunkin Donuts.

   My cross-eyed girlfriend left me. She was seeing someone else.

   I eat far too many Happy Meals to be taken seriously as an adult.

   All you guys thinking of dressing as Tom Brady hold deflated balls this Halloween and thinking how original and funny it will be. Don't. It won't.

   Men, I don't care about your abs, I do care if you drink lite beer. Keep the belly, drink real beer.

   "I'm not afraid of women any longer" - My Tombstone

   I'm behind in my time traveling project. Or am I?

   [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   If you come in late to work you must leave early to make up for it.