Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?

   I was pulled over by a woman cop this morning. Never knew kitchens had speed limits.

   My life has changed for the better ever since I decided to let God take care of my problems and Karma take care of my enemies.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   If you see your buddy drinking an apple beer, you are required to kick him in his vag.

   Instead of telling everybody what color is your damn bra, put 2 bucks in the freaking can at the shopping center if you really want to help people with breast cancer, for Christ's sake!! Stop talking on facebook and give money!

   (☼)(☼) = Janet Jacksons Boobs ; (o)(o)(o) = That chick From Total Recall Boobs ;

   blew all his christmas money on hookers and cocaine.....

   Are we sure about this George Jones news? He may just be playing possum.

   I'm trying to be black so bad, I went out and got a white wife.

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   Just applied for a job at a beauty salon so I can get paid to give women facials.

   When asked if she was lip-synching or not at the presidential inauguration, Beyonce replied "I would blame it on the rain, but unfortunately it wasn't raining just really cold, and girl you know it's true."

   Was that a Budweiser or Burger King Commercial?

   going all the way on a first date also known as a "Hole in one"?

   Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli

   I had a dream too. It was to watch the last 5 minutes of General Hospital. Dammit.

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   I don't believe in one night stands but I'm all for two night stands!!

   A guy at work today asked a silly question. He said what could be possibly be better than winning the lottery tonight?? I said that's easy,,, winning it one day after your Divorce becomes FINAL!!!!